We danced. We danced through so many phases of life together.
It wasn’t long ago that we climbed trees, you and I.
You were a wild thing- in love with nature and fresh air and adventure. I was happy to come along for the ride. I was happy to have you as a friend.
I remember when we met…8 year old girls. June, 1988. First Baptist Church- Vacation Bible School. My family had just moved to town for Dad’s new job and Mom got us involved in the church in an effort to make friends.
I remember the moment I met you…I loved you instantly. I invited myself over to your house-I think I went over the very next day. Your sweet parents welcomed me and I was overjoyed to find that you had a huge, lovely house with every toy up in your attic-turned-bedroom that a little girl could want.
That room became my childhood…that room housed this little girl’s heart and would see both you and I grow up together. I miss the bay window and that big, deep closet that we had so many sleepovers inside of. I miss the secret passageway that led to your parent’s bedroom and the stairs that we crept down to sneak goodies from the snack pantry.
I miss it all. The smells, the sounds, the feeling of growing up with you, my dear girl. I have lists of memories…of late, they seem so fresh and clear.
But now, I cannot get through to you. I call and call, but you don’t answer or acknowledge my texts. We haven’t spoken in years, but I still call. I feel foolish, but I still call. I hurt your heart the last time we were in touch, and I feel you never recovered, even though you said you did.
Looking back now- I was still angry at you for your “failure” to continue to know and love me-You had forgotten me…how could you have forgotten me after the lifetime that we had shared? We had known each other in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood…we had shared so much…so, so much.
I realize the truth now…there was no failure on your part, you were only doing all that you knew how to hold my hand…you could not be all that I needed, I was asking too much, wasn’t I? I was so injured…so broken…I was trying to so hard to not be a bother. I always thought you would be a safe place for me. I am sorry that I held you up so high, that wasn’t fair. You were just a young woman, like me, grasping around trying to do it all right…can you ever forgive me for not being a better friend? I was so ill-equipped…I look back at both of us in those stages of our lives with such pity, mercy, and adoration. I am sorry I could not extend that to you when you needed it most. I know you would have dived head first to save me, if you could have. I know your heart. It is me who forgot who you were…you kind, faithful, beautiful, precious soul…I love you and miss you so much.
Are you hurting now? Has life crushed you somehow, and you don’t want me to know about it? Is it pride that keeps you away…or are you marvelously happy and have just simply moved on in your life, with no thought of me…it’s been so long, what sort of talk would we have now anyway, right?
And even now, even just last week…every time the damn movie comes on (the original of course) I cry and think of you, and the ache won’t go away. Do you remember that time I told you…I told you that you would be the Godmother to my daughter, son, children that I might have one day? Who better than you, my sister. You who knew the sparkle in my eyes when I was so young. You who knew all my secrets, hopes, fears…you knew me in the most innocent and most crushed part of my existence. Who better than you, to tell my children all about their Mama. I still trust you. I still choose you.
You are the only one who shared those days, minutes, hours, years with me…you are the only one who knew my life…only you…you were the only one there.
You were Hillary and I was CC Bloom…to a T. I was loud mouthed, and pushy, and selfish…passionate, emotionally charged, impulsive, and quick-tempered…but I loved you in my imperfect way…I still do.
You were my hero, my darling friend. Strong and beautiful and creative and capable…I wanted to know how to do that. I was glad to have someone like you near me…just to witness the curiously lovely way in which you led your life. What an honor it was that you allowed me to be in your world.
“It might have appeared to go unnoticed, but I’ve got it all here in my heart. I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it, I would be nothing without you…”